cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
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