There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
