If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
