peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
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he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
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You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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