Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
