I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
