Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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