I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
