I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
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We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
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Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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