I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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