Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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