he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
