Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I need a beard to bite.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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