Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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