sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
