drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
