I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
