So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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