the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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