Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
