i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
