No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
