Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
