tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
