She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
