I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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