Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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