it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
