so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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