I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
