I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
