Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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