pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
