I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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