the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
