My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
