I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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