i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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