Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
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she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
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