When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
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We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
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But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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