What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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