I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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