I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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