Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
