Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
