My Higher Power is John Stamos
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
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