Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
