he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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