Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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