You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
