We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
