my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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