Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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