life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
