She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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