the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
