Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
